Meh.

So depressed. So angry. I'm not even entirely sure why... and it's starting to do my head in. Before I fell preggers, sure, I had moody moments just like everybody else but now... I just can't pull myself out of them. They go on and on and I find myself becoming even more depressed by the way I've confused and hurt those who love and care for me. But I just can't help it. It's like I've been possessed or something. Also worried, I'm constantly worried, and nightmares of stillborn babies plague my sleep. I can't relax. It's so exhausting and frustrating.

I think it's because for the past 6 months I've been so busy with my life and have had many things to fill up my day with. I don't handle boredom well at all, and now that I'm on maternity leave from work I'm pretty much stuck in the house all day and am virtually alone because ~Megatron80 works through the daytime... along with most of my friends. I could just pop on to MSN and chat to my peeps but I'm so depressed and angry that I don't want to talk to anyone, which makes it even harder to cope with this surly mood. I'm alone with my thoughts and feel so drained that I can't be bothered doing anything. I can't even call anyone (even if I wanted to) because my phone is somewhere on the bottom of Coffs Harbour. I had such a good weekend though, and I was so happy then... but now that I'm back home I feel lonely and trapped. I'm also tired of being treated like I'm made of glass, and I miss my independence. I'm scared this will continue after Brumbytron is born and I'll fail to look after him properly, or that James will get fed up with my behavior and leave us for some dazzling (less rounded) beauty, or that I'll just never feel cheerful again. I mean, I'm getting married in a couple of months... and while I am excited, I continue worrying and end up with bad headaches... and it's the same emotional mixture with the birth as well. They're supposed to be the two most happy, joyous times of my life and I'm scared of them. I am so effing pathetic, and in a way, I feel like I don't even deserve to feel happy. What the heck did I do to become so blessed anyway?

Can't help but think that there's something wrong with me. But then, I also feel as though I'll look back on this journal in another 6 months, place an index finger and thumb on the bridge of my nose, close my eyes, shake my head slowly and think, Oh Renee, you were such a hormonal idiot. I sure hope so.

Well anyway, I apologize for the whining and bringing all of my problems onto your shoulders. You don't need to say anything or feel pressured into cheering me up, I just needed to get that off my chest. I'll be okay. I might bundle Midge off to visit my parents so she can play with my other dogs Misty and Choopa.

Much love,

~Teh Brumbster & Brumbytron

P.S: Contest stuff can still be found here: [link]

Edit: My mood is not amused. dA wouldn't let me edit it.





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